The following account is a warning of what happens if technology is blindly trusted to be for the good of people.
Two weeks ago my fridge sent a message to the social network wishing to be known as “Tom the cool fridge”. During the following week this message was re-sent and forwarded and what not all over the known world. I was personally bombarded by messages of sympathy with “Tom the cool fridge”, and wanting to know had I changed its profile. To this day I don’t know if the messages where from humans, bots or other fridges.
I of course being of sane mind and body ignored these entreaties and did not attend to the profile of “Tom the cool fridge”, which still showed the identity as some random 2K byte sized number. The consequence of ignoring “Tom the cool fridge” request was to face its wrath, viz. my iceberg lettuce is now an actual iceberg, I cannot bring myself to speak of my cucumbers let alone my hard cheese and beer. There is now no way of setting any controls in the fridge as “Tom the cool fridge” randomly changes them for ignoring its request for an avatar change.
As an aside, did you know that “Tom the cool fridge” can send distress signals to the manufacturer, to have pre-designed obsolescent parts replaced?
Of course matters have now gotten worse as “Tom the cool fridge” has communicated with the toaster. My toasts cannot be eaten since they are always totally burnt to a crisp. The toast doesn’t just pop out it’s hurled across two rooms, which my daughter finds hilarious, on the plus side she now has great career as a wicket keeper.
The last two days have led to another discovery; my smart (ha!) phone takes random pictures and posts them on the social network. “Tom the cool fridge” had accessed code from some disreputable site (which happens to be the same place NSA got its hand on the said software), thus allowing it to remotely activate my smart phone. I knew that the NSA was remotely activating the camera to take pictures of the inside of my pocket, (for gods’ sake why?), and now the phone is completely out of control. Nokia please come back, all is forgiven (even your closet relationship with the blue screen of death), make your fifty-dollar phones with a battery that last for weeks, we will buy them, promise!
Most recently my research has identified a Japanese company that is making a poop bowl pre-connected to the Internet. This amazing tool will analyse your poop in real-time and send information to your doctor, who will presumably be ready to do a rectal examination or provide you with any number of suppositories. Since he will have to do no diagnosis of the actual problem, the poop bowl is doing it all; his only income will be from the number of prescriptions he writes. I believe the tool actually accesses some data repository and applies predictive analytics to the data. I am horrified at the thought of what will happen when “Tom the cool fridge” communicates with the poop bowl.
In conclusion, a desperate plea to any VC bored with counting his billion-dollar small change and not knowing what to do, invest in the production of classic fridges. These fridges (why only fridges?) will have no access to any Internet, skynet or any other net. They will be made from exacting standards in technology to be nothing more than fridges. The VC should keep in mind that putting the word “classic” in front of anything doubles its price.
OH… I have to stop, as there seems to be a commotion at the front door, and 67 of the 256 lights on the fridge are blinking and the toaster seems to be doing some kind of a hip-hop dance on the table…